She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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