The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
