I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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