he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
3pm strippers are depressing
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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