When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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