so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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