someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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