Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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