Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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