I can text with my tongue
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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