Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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