My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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