giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
