I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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