i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
