he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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