Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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