i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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