I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
