you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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