Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
