i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
