you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
