Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
