remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
