Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
