I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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