I didn't shave. On purpose
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
