Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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