I hope mine doesn't look like that
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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