Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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