Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
