i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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