I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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