I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
