I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
