i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
