Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
