when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
