Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
