Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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