id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
