Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
