Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
