The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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