i can't believe i had my finger in that
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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