what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
