1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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