There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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