I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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